Singletary Likes Roaring Fires and Walks on the Beach

From Niner's insider on SFGate.com:
A completely flummoxed and frustrated Alex Smith came to the side lines after throwing three straight incompletions in the fourth quarter and Singletary was intent on benching him. He confronted Smith and told him of his desires.

There has GOT to be a better way to say that.

Smith, then, according to Vernon Davis didn't know what to do.

I share his confusion. Though I do have a sweet new tag to use.

Case Closed.

This Isn't the World Series of Poker...

Heck, I didn't even know Norman Chad still wrote for anyone. Unfortunately, he still fancies himself a columnist and presents junk like this:

NFL fantasy football fans have taken over the sport

The National Football League — America's last refuge of undeniable world dominance — began its 91st season Sunday.
(Traditionally, Major League Baseball unofficially opens its season by having the president throw out the first pitch; in the NFL, the new season is unofficially christened when Jay Cutler throws his first interception.)

I'm gonna say 'ouch' for Jay Cutler.

For the uninitiated, here is a brief chronology of the three crucial stages that established the NFL with its fan base:
-- In 1920, the NFL began play. Fans generally rooted for a team when they watched a game.

Still true.

-- In the 1950s, the point spread became prevalent. Some fans now rooted for a team to "cover" the point spread, with money being involved; this is commonly known as "gambling."

Which the NFL can thank for its explosion in popularity.

-- In the 1990s, Fantasy Football took hold. Some fans now didn't root for teams. Rather, they rooted for individual players to score touchdowns or defenses to record sacks, with money being involved; this is not known as "gambling" but it is.

Yeah Chad, people still root for teams. I mean it's 2010. Have we not dispelled this notion that running a fantasy team is in direct conflict with rooting for your favorite team?
Over the last generation, two changes have greatly altered how many fans watch NFL games — instant replay as an officiating tool and fantasy football. What once was a relatively pure and simple viewing experience — relax a little and root for your team — has been largely perverted.

This is completely unprovable on his part. The idea that before instant replay and FF, people apparently didn't care what happened during a game. You'd think he would be thinking these progressions for fueling interest in the sport.

Fans now concentrate on officiating mistakes or individual achievements; in the latter case, whichever team wins is inconsequential.

Yeah I just watched my local NFL team with a group of 15 fans, most of whom have fantasy teams. Trust me, they were extremely concerned with the local team winning. A bit too much if you ask me.
(This would be like going to the opera to see "La Boheme" and not caring if Mimi and Rodolfo can reconcile their lost love before her death because you're so hung up on sound and lighting issues and whether Rodolfo hit a higher note in the third act than Marcello.)

Wow, that is like the worst fantasy league ever.

America may need to rebuild, but it will have to wait until a nation of fantasy freaks is done shouting, "They've GOT TO challenge that!!!"

I don't get what the challenge system has to do with fantasy football. All apologies to fans of the Lions, of course.

Now, frankly, I shouldn't begrudge fantasy fanatics their pleasure. The games are there for our recreation and entertainment; if someone finds more enjoyment by having a financial stake in how various players perform, so be it. And I had made my peace with these people — they stay out of my living room, I stay out of their sports bars — but then I heard about fantasysportsinsurance.com and fantasydispute.com and, well, the uneasy truce was over.

I'm sorry Chad, you're best known as an announcer for what again? Water polo right?

If Tom Brady has a season-ending injury in Week 1, you now are protected. You can buy fantasy insurance online with just a few clicks and a credit card.
(I'm fairly confident many people these days do not carry life insurance but carry fantasy insurance.)
If you think there was an unfair trade in your fantasy league, you now have an avenue to justice. You can settle disputes with your fantasy friends online with just a few clicks and a credit card.
(Remember: Fantasy owners have rights, too!!!)
Incidentally, I'm glad to see lawyers have found another revenue stream; to be honest, I've always thought our nation was under-litigated.

Ha! Lawyer joke!

Of course, the fact that you can now insure your fantasy picks or resolve fantasy disputes raises the age-old question:
Does America have too much wealth? I think that's self-evident. More importantly, does America use its wealth wisely? Well, folks, if we've got enough money to spend $14.95 a pop to have a Yale-trained lawyer arbitrate a fantasy feud, I believe that one's self-evident, too.
(Full disclosure: In regard to misspent wealth and skewed priorities, I must admit that I earn income from commenting on what 22-year-olds wear while playing poker.)

Hey he copped to it finally, nice. Also, he's right, but who am I to begrudge someone a way to sucker people out of their money.

Alas, I wish we could dial the clock back to a time when watching the Jets and Giants lose provided all the weekend pleasure we needed.

That sounds like a horrible, boring time. It's sounds like the kind of time Grandpa Simpson waxes poetic about.

By the way, Jay Cutler threw his first interception with 5:33 to go in the first quarter of the Lions-Bears game. Enjoy the rest of the season!

Case Closed!

Comedy!

It is not the forte of the sportswriter generally. Sure you may have a King Kauffman here or there, but there are a whole lot more Jay Mariotti's. And I found one "mini-jay" today going by the name of Bob Ford:

All these years, I thought GQ stood for Gentleman's Quarterly, but when the magazine came out with its exclusive, wide-ranging interview with Donovan McNabb this week, it's obvious the initials stand for Gone Qwazy.

Ouch.

Because that's where McNabb has gone. Not Washington, D.C., or Landover, Md. But Qwazy, USA, Zip code 55555.

So...you're gonna keep going with that joke huh?

And then there's the barfing. Admittedly, a lot of the legend associated with whether McNabb did or did not lose his Keeblers in the Super Bowl hinges on the recollection of Freddie Mitchell, who has a little Gone Qwazy in him, too.

Wow, you really want to hammer this thing home...well comedy of three's I guess.

Case Closed!

Is there anything more exciting than the Pro Bowl?

I don't think any game could possibly follow up all that build and speculation; the days and days of arguing over who's going come out ahead and why. Good thing the NFL season is over after the Pro Bowl. And most importantly, there is no better way to scout a player than on his performance in the big game, right Paul Domowitch?

Eagles fans got a preview of things to come early in last night's Pro Bowl when AFC coach Norv Turner opened the game with consecutive screens to running back Chris Johnson, both of which went to cornerback Asante Samuel's side.
As he proved on numerous occasions this season, including the Eagles' ugly, back-to-back January losses to the Cowboys, Samuel isn't a big fan of the art of tackling.

Is he more of a sculpture fan?

Hates tackling the way little kids hate spinach.

I just had this image of Samuel's coach telling him that he can either tackle or go to his room. So Samuel responds with his arms crossed, stomps his feet and yells out "No!" in the defiant way a 4-year-old would.

If he couldn't be convinced to tackle in games that mattered, you can only imagine the attitude he brought to this meaningless all-star game.

The same attitude every other player had? That it was a meaningless game and no reason to risk injury? I mean heck, at least he showed, didn't something like a quarter of the players ditch out?

Johnson picked up 13 yards on the first screen and 12 on the second, and on both plays, the PA announcer wound up closer to the Titans running back than Samuel. The Eagle looked like George Costanza in that "Seinfeld" episode where he was knocking over little kids at a birthday party in his rush to get out the door when a fire broke out.

O.K. I remember that episode, but that makes no sense to me in this context. I thought Samuel was supposedly playing lazily? The George thing took a lot of effort.

A couple of plays later, Samuel bit on a pump fake by AFC quarterback Matt Schaub and got beat for a 33-yard touchdown pass to Schaub's Houston Texans teammate, Andre Johnson.

That has nothing to do with tackling. And isn't Andre Johnson kinda good? I'm sure Samuel isn't the only corner who bit on a move Johnson made.

Samuel would get a measure of revenge later in the game when he short-circuited a would-be AFC scoring drive with an interception of Vince Young early in the fourth quarter.

Wow, looks like he put effort into this completely meaningless game anyway.

In Samuel's defense, he wasn't the only player uninterested in getting physical.

Yeah, it's the Pro Bowl.

Whether they play this game in Hawaii the week after the Super Bowl or here in South Florida the week before, the NFL's annual all-star game features less hitting than a fight between two of the Jonas Brothers. There was more contact in a second-quarter end-zone skirmish among the dozen or so NFL mascots in attendance than there was in the actual game.

Yeah dude, it's the frickin' PRO BOWL! Also minus 11 points for the Jonas Brother reference. (And if you're wondering what those points are off of, you're taking this too seriously, like Paul Domowitch at a Pro Bowl game.)

The "battles" between the offensive and defensive linemen looked like something out of "Dancing With The Stars" for much of the game. Eagles left tackle Jason Peters practically had to lay down and get in the fetal position for the AFC's Mario Williams to collect the first of the game's five sacks.

Paul, are you seriously disappointed that you didn't get to see a titanic battle at the Pro Bowl? You just had 20 weeks of football to enjoy linemen fighting it out in the trenches, plus the upcoming Super Bowl. Aren't quaterbacks off limits in the Pro Bowl anyway? Personally I would prefer just a skills competition, I used to like watching Marino and Elway showing off their arms without worrying about a pass rush.

"This is a fun evening," Colts quarterback Peyton Manning said. "We flew down here after our practice today in Indianapolis. Getting to see all these guys, these great players, guys I've gotten to know over the years playing in [other] Pro Bowls, I've formed some special friendships with these guys. It's fun to be here."

At least someone has the right attitude about the game.

Case Closed!

I've reached the big time

Ripping on Frank Deford, a well-respected SI columnist? That is definitely a call up to the show for me and this blog. Let's see if I can handle the pressure from a veteran like Deford:


There are no guarantees ... no matter how much we insist

I dunno about that, I can guarantee that the food network has nothing I want to see. Oh wait, Rachael Ray. Alright you got me there Deford. That's strike one.


Happily, unless I've missed it -- although maybe, as we sharpie teenagers used to say: accidentally on purpose -- no member of the Colts or Saints has yet come forth to guarantee his team's victory in the Super Bowl.

I know this is going to make me seem dumb, but I have no idea what a 'sharpie teenager' is. This is an option. Or maybe he meant the type of dog, though he spelled it wrong if he did.

Guaranteeing victory did have an amusing genesis in the 1960s when first the young Muhammad Ali and then Joe Namath employed it as an original PR gimmick. And, hey, they got it right. They walked the walk. But we sports journalists should have been smart enough to have buried the humbug then. I'd imagine that since Mssrs. Ali and Namath inaugurated the bunkum, the going rate of guarantee proficiency has been around fifty percent -- in the coin-flipping realm.

I like how he gives Namath and Ali passes as if they had crystal balls.

And yet we sports scribes can't resist reporting it like gospel. Please.
Now that's why I do like it that so many athletes are using Twitter these days. First of all, Tweeting is a good fit for athletes because it doesn't require an ability to spell correctly or employ grammar, neither of which most of our erstwhile student-athletes are reel gude at.

I'm going to say "ouch" for this guy.

Secondly, Tweeting is specifically meant for those who have signed up for the Twitter universe, so those of us who do not wish to be bombarded by aimless, misspelled chatter are a protected species.

Wow, Deford REALLY hates misspelling. I mean you only get like 140 characters to work with Frank, and there's no spell check.

Worse only than guaranteeing, though, is the absolute penchant that misbehaving athletes have for confessing and apologizing -- or at least making a stab at it.

Sound like the start of an unrelated tangent...

For like politicians and movie stars, our sporting role models tend to confess with their fingers crossed behind their backs.

There we are Frank, this is what you REALLY wanted to talk about. You certainly came up with a clever cloak to disguise it in.

The latest in a long line of kinda sorta confessing came, you will recall, compliments of a lugubrious Mark McGwire, who finally got around to saying he'd used performance enhancing drugs, only he couldn't remember what exactly they were, and, of course, he took them only for medicinal purposes and not at all to help him hit home runs. As insincere as McGwire's performance was, it could not live up to that given by Jason Giambi's of a few years ago, who held a long press conference in which he apologized profusely, but never said what he was apologizing for. That remains the gold standard, steroid division.


See you start with Super Bowl guarantees and you end with steroid confessions. That's why you're the pro Frank and I'm just some schlub working in a Bronson, MI courthouse.

Finally, if I may say one good word about Tiger Woods it is that he had the decency to get lost. I would only hope that when he reappears he stands up before the assembled press and says only, "Ladies and gentlemen, I tee off at noon tomorrow, and I'll be happy to discuss my round afterwards." We don't need to hear anything else. But, you watch, his handlers will make him apologize and confess.

Mostly I'm leaving that in so I can add a Tiger Woods tag and double the hits on my blog to two.

I guarantee it.

Me too Frank, me too.

Case Closed!

Too many coaching articles Part II

Everyone is still obsessed with pro football coaches. When do pitchers and catchers report?

Same Old Mike? Way!

Mike Vaccaro is a columnist for the interminable (that's a word right?) NY Post. According to his bio he has delighted (my word, not his) Post readers since 2002. I mean, with a blog named "Vac's Wacks" how can he not right? So he writes this article after a thrilling Jets-Chargers game yesterday. If it was just a blog post, maybe I would let it go, but this is his actual column for the Post and well, I'm going to have to collapse its nut graph (journalism humor!!!; you'll get that reference when you read his article).

Same old Jets? No way!
SAN DIEGO -- Rex Ryan was fresh off the win of his life, fresh off the call of his life, fresh off giving the kind of postgame (sp.) victory speech a lot of coaches go their whole lives practicing for and never get to deliver.
The Jets coach had nearly collapsed both of offensive coordinator Brian Schottenheimer's lungs with a victory hug. Ryan had led what Calvin Pace would call "the loudest singing of the Lord's Prayer that I've ever heard." He had taken a blowtorch to 41 years of frustration and futility and failure, nudged the Jets to within a game of the Super Bowl, kept alive his famous itinerary.

Mike, when you say "he had taken a blowtorch...." do you mean Ryan, or the Lord? I hope you mean the Lord cause the idea of him working on his trans-am with a blowtorch, a cigarette and wearing a dego 't' is totally working for me. And in case you're wondering Rex's "famous itinerary" is this per USA Today: Jets coach Rex Ryan confirmed on Sunday that he gave his team a playoff itinerary that included a Super Bowl parade in New York on Feb. 9.

They are tough sons of guns, and unshakeable (sp), and playing as well as anybody still alive in these playoffs. Three other teams came into the weekend the same as the Jets had, first-round winners carrying momentum into their divisional games. Two of the three were smaller underdogs than the Jets. All three got flattened.

Alright Mike, hold on. "Tough sons of guns"? As opposed to the Chargers, who should have been playing in ball gowns (pictured, L.T.'s quinceañera gown)and white silk gloves. "Playing as well as anybody still alive..."? Uh...yes, they are playing as well as the other teams that won I suppose. Certainly better than the teams that lost. And how many first round winners don't have momentum going into the next playoff game? It's just so obvious to state.

"See, I think everyone just believes we're a team that acts like we're confident," tight end Dustin Keller, emerging as a significant January hero, said when this 17-14 victory over the Chargers was complete. "But here's the thing: We really believe it. We really believe we belong."

I don't like picking on statements by players, especially right after an emotional playoff game, but insisting that "you believe you belong" comes off as a bit insecure. I'm just saying, the Colts don't tell the media over and over how they believe in themselves as a good team. Alright, back to picking on Mike:

They got after a quarterback most thought they never would touch; they rattled Phillip Rivers -- thought to be un-rattle-able -- and they made every big play available to them.

I'm sorry, I missed the email where Phillip Rivers was declared, "un-rattle-able" by knowledgeable football analysts. Maybe he was and I seriously just missed it. If so, my email is listed in my personal info on the blog guys, please include me from now on. Maybe it's one of those pro-wrestling things where you build up the guy you just beat to make yourself look stronger.

They trailed 7-0 after a half and 7-3 after three quarters but then, on the third play of the fourth quarter, Mark Sanchez scampered out of the pocket, looking, searching, an army of Jets fans praying he wasn't about to go all Richard Todd on them.

Oooooo... Take that Richard Todd. You just got got "Wack Vacced" or "Mack Sacked" or "Crack Backed" or something along those lines. K so I don't really get the Richard Todd reference. Um...First choice is this guy. An actor and war hero. He died of cancer, maybe they were praying Sanchez wouldn't die of cancer during his scramble, a fair...concern...I guess.
There's this guy. A horn player who was on the Jurassic Park sound track. Maybe they were praying he wouldn't start doing a jazz hands dance during the play. Though that seems more like a Robin Williams thing.
Alright fine...he meant this guy. But I wanted to have some fun first.

Damien Woody brought his two Super Bowl rings to work with him yesterday, wearing one on either hand. Alan Faneca has one. That made the trip, too. They didn't say a word. They didn't flash them.
"Just a message," Woody said, smiling.

Sounds like a dick move to me, I dunno. If a friend couldn't conceive a child you wouldn't show up with the pacifier your baby uses hanging around your neck.

The Jets are 60 minutes from the Super Bowl. Sixty minutes from a Possible Dream. Sixty minutes from playing a Super Bowl in Miami.

I have no witty comment about that paragraph. Maybe a Mike Wallace reference. Something like that. It just seems poorly written to me, that's all.
Case Closed!!!

Too many coaching articles...

Every single NFL article recently seems to be about coaching changes. Important info, but they do not make for fun articles to rip apart.

Good Article Part II

Gwen Knapp of the San Fran Gate wrote an article regarding the future of the NFL and the impending lock out here. It was a good read and breaks down some of the more negative business practices the NFL has perpetrated.

Rick Snider makes a classic bad move...

...by writing an article that I can tear into. It's good, cause today I had a few to choose from after a weekend of very little. I was getting worried, but today I came across about 3 articles I can, shall we say, dissect for your pleasure. Let's start with my boy Rickey, or Ricky, (I'm not sure if he prefers '-ey' or just 'y'). He's a columnist for the Washington Examiner and has some strong opinions on the hiring of Mike Shanahan. As usual his words in italics, mine in regular typeface. Here we go:

Snyder makes another classic bad move by hiring Shanahan

Make no bones about it people, Dan Snyder gets beat on by the Washington media pretty regularly. In fact, it's become such a habit I think they've pretty much forgotten all about the Nationals. Not really a surprise I guess.

Mike Shanahan is a classic move by Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder. And, a typically bad one.

I guess Rick is not going to bother to list his other bad moves. Maybe he assumes people in Washington already know the list like:
- trading draft picks for older players
- Joe Gibbs (in retrospect)
- Steve Spurrier
- charging fans for tailgating
- baning signs made by fans

A headline-grabbing hire is great for selling season tickets, corporate sponsorships and jerseys. A $35 million contract validates the owner's reputation of overpaying for past performance. Someone with titles won elsewhere whose resume overshadows Snyder's poor stewardship once more lends hope to the Burgundy Revolution.

K this whole myth about selling season tickets with a coaching hire is unfounded. I mean, almost every NFL team sells out every home game, there's only 8 a year barring the playoffs. The only team who didn't is arguably the worst team in the league and located in the most economically depressed city in the country, the Lions. So he didn't get Shanahan just to sell tickets. Jersey's? Seriously? A lot of people running around with Bill Walsh jersey's in San Fran? Or Lovie Smith jersey's in Chicago?
Shanahan has won 3 Super Bowls (one as an offensive coordinator). He doesn't seem like a terrible choice. Maybe he's overpaid, I don't really know what an NFL coach is worth money-wise, but Rick is yet to give a solid reason why it's a bad deal.

But is Shanahan the right choice?

Did you not read your last paragraph. That's the point of the whole article.

The former Denver Broncos coach himself is 11 years from winning two straight titles. It has been a long time since both sides tasted success.

Well he brings up that it has been a while since Shanahan won a title, a valid point, maybe the game has passed him by and he doesn't know how to win in today's NFL...

So long they may have forgotten the feel of that silver trophy in their hands.

...or that. Though I'm sure the Broncos would let him hold one of the trophy's he won in the 90's if he's really forgotten.

But Snyder should have waited for a full field of candidates rather than impatiently bidding on the leader. Bill Cowher finally came sniffing around only to receive a cold reception from Snyder, who was tired of courting the former Pittsburgh coach. Between Cowher and Shanahan, I take Cowher.
If Jon Gruden could have been swayed, he's the choice. If Tennessee had been stupid enough to part with Jeff Fisher, I'd knock down anyone in the way to get him.

Apparently Rick would have hired some sort of Cerberus with the heads of Cowher/Gruden/Fisher. I can't imagine what that would have cost, but the corporate sponsorship opportunities would have been endless.

It's hard to dismiss the pick. But predecessors Marty Schottenheimer, Steve Spurrier and Joe Gibbs seemed superb choices at the time. All left mission unaccomplished. Why will Shanahan be any different?

Why would ANYONE be any different? I have no idea what Shanahan's plans are for the future of the Redskins are, but I'm scared of them thanks to Rick Snider. I'm talking Glen Beck scared...
Case Closed!