Blogamania Goes International

This is a big moment for my blog. Never before have we ventured out of the continental United States to find bad sports journalism. I even ignored that Alaskan Telegraph column where they argued Pete Fuyoltic's heart and grit along with a young up and coming husky named Banana's would win him the Iditarod. We all know through sabermetrics that winning the Iditarod is about sled control and friction reduction rate.
Now, thanks to the big soccer thingy that's going on, and my ability to read English, I get to rip apart and article in My Telegraph UK. Sounds reputable enough, let's go (me in italics/Colin Farmeryin regular):

France’s ship goes down with barely a hand on deck…

When I read this headline on Google, I thought it was literal. As if France had a giant ocean liner that was sinking and the crew just abandoned ship leaving all the passengers to fend for themselves. I kinda feel bad for stereotyping...but not too bad.

France’s World Cup hopes lie in tatters ce soir after a truly shocking performance against Mexico which lacked the fundamantals any supporter of a team deserves.

I'm sorry, what lacked "fundamantals (sic)?" Besides your grammar! Ohhhhh! English put down! Seriously though, read that line. What exactly lacked fundamentals? Their hopes? Mexico? It's a poorly constructed sentence.

The scoreline may have only said 0-2 at the end, but if France had shipped five goals they could hardly have complained. From the pre-match rituals, le Capitaine Patrice Evra had the demeanour of a man who looked like he didn’t believe his team could win the toss, let alone the match.

How on Earth did you judge that? You give us no indication. You just magically decided that Evra didn't believe his team could win. No reason like his shoulders were slumped, he was sobbing and running away, nothing.

En France they expect any player to mouille le maillot – literally soak the shirt – when they turn out for their team. There were several who barely broke sweat.

I really like the idea that Farmeryin has a sweat per minute index he keeps track of to determine how hard a player is trying.

The rest of the article is the usual, you should start the younger players to get them experience stuff and actual soccer analysis. Blah...
But this goes to show that even in England, their columnists grand inferences based of no real information.

Case Closed.

Between a Stone and a hard place

So the last week in Chicago there was a bruhaha between former Cubs and current White Sox announcer Steve Stone and Cubs manager Lou Piniella. This, of course, was not Steve's first time raising the ire of the manager of the Lovable Losers:

Stone famously split with the Cubs after a long career as a broadcaster for his old team in 2004, when he criticized Dusty Baker's managing and several players on a fading team.

(BTW Hawk Harrelson during the Pirates-White Sox game just said, "I love the wheel play, sure you have a lot of guys moving around, but it is just a good play." No follow up.
Why are you voting for Bush? I dunno he just seems like a good guy to go out for a drink with.)

The actual argument between the two is boring, semantics about starting rookies over veterans, yada yada. However the following quote I stole from this article is NOT the way to argue who you're going to start:

"I've got five major league outfielders," he (Piniella) said. "It's not fair that I just abandon one or two of them. It's just not fair, and I'm not going to do it."

If I owned a team, and my manager said he was setting his starting lineup based on what's fair vs. what is the best possible lineup, I would personally walk down to the dugout and fire him. This is not little league. You want playing time? Get better. I sincerely hope Piniella is making his decisions based on more than just what's fair for everyone.

So Jeff Schultz Writes A Common Sense Article

Unfortunately...his editor completely spit the bit on the stats part:

They rank No. 1 in walks (.295), No. 1 in on-base percentage (.352), No. 2 in doubles (124), No. 2 in runs (.327), No. 4 in batting with runners in scoring position (.277), No. 5 in total hits(.565) and No. 6 in batting average (.262). All in all, that’s pretty good for a lineup most of us wanted to blow up in April.

I'm not math-magician, but I'm pretty sure totals should not be expressed as averages. That's all I have to point out. It's a dumb mistake, but the article itself makes sense. (And yes, it's just an error of a period in front of the numbers, I'm aware.)

The Next Next Karate Kid

Well since the last one ended up so physically destroyed Clint Eastwood had to pull the plug on her, they apparently decided to go back to using boys. Ken Denmead from Wired.com breaks down the future of the franchise for parents (Me in italics):

9 Things Parents Should Know About Karate Kid

Before we get to the review I, as head of security for this blog, need to make a very important announcement: Piracy is illegal! We let you into this review with your cellphones, but if anyone pulls one out, even just to check the time, and I see the screen, I will kick you out of this story! I have night-vision goggles, so I’ll know!

Hmmm...Odd beginning. Ranting like Tom Waites' Renfield. I am, how you say, at a loss.

Okay, sorry, had to get that out of the way. I mean, they made that announcement at the screening of the movie last night, so I figure it was so important I should repeat it here. Because shaking phone-camera pix of a movie screen will take food out of the mouths of Hollywood movie studio executives.

Oh! Now that last paragraph makes more sense. Of course I'm pretty sure the "phone-camera" (as opposed to the camera phone that I've actually heard of) is banned not because of piracy, but because of it disturbing the illusion of the movie. I was watching the "Iron Man 2" when some stupid Blackhawks fan's phone went off with that ridiculous theme song from their Stanley Cup run. Completely took me out of the movie. I almost lost focus on the Scarlett Johansson.


1. So, it’s The Karate Kid. Is there lots of good, juicy karate in the movie?
Well, actually, no. In reality, there is absolutely no karate in this movie. It’s all kung fu.
If playing off the popularity of the original movie weren’t so important, we’d really ding them for not calling it “The Kung Fu Kid.” But we get it. It’s a movie about a kid learning a martial art. Karate, kung fu, whatever.

Ha! Take that Asian culture. It's all the same over here in whiteville.

Okay, now that the review is over, you’re welcome to take your cellphones out and turn them back on. Thanks for understanding. Remember: piracy is a crime!

Callback!

Case Closed.