Come on Michael Cole

So I'm watching Randy Orton Vs. John Cena from Breaking Point in '09. It's an 'I quit' match which is more of an action fight scene than a wrestling match, but very entertaining none the less. Honestly at this point these two had faced each other so many times they had to wrestle a different type of match and they delivered. But the point of all this is after Cena gets Orton to say "I quit", Michael Cole announces "It's over! Randy Orton has reached his (dramatic pause) BREAKING POINT!!!!"
I'm not one of those fans who just hates Cole no matter what, but dude, that was hella lame.

You've done it again The Onion...

Take that Dusty Baker!

I've reached the big time

Ripping on Frank Deford, a well-respected SI columnist? That is definitely a call up to the show for me and this blog. Let's see if I can handle the pressure from a veteran like Deford:


There are no guarantees ... no matter how much we insist

I dunno about that, I can guarantee that the food network has nothing I want to see. Oh wait, Rachael Ray. Alright you got me there Deford. That's strike one.


Happily, unless I've missed it -- although maybe, as we sharpie teenagers used to say: accidentally on purpose -- no member of the Colts or Saints has yet come forth to guarantee his team's victory in the Super Bowl.

I know this is going to make me seem dumb, but I have no idea what a 'sharpie teenager' is. This is an option. Or maybe he meant the type of dog, though he spelled it wrong if he did.

Guaranteeing victory did have an amusing genesis in the 1960s when first the young Muhammad Ali and then Joe Namath employed it as an original PR gimmick. And, hey, they got it right. They walked the walk. But we sports journalists should have been smart enough to have buried the humbug then. I'd imagine that since Mssrs. Ali and Namath inaugurated the bunkum, the going rate of guarantee proficiency has been around fifty percent -- in the coin-flipping realm.

I like how he gives Namath and Ali passes as if they had crystal balls.

And yet we sports scribes can't resist reporting it like gospel. Please.
Now that's why I do like it that so many athletes are using Twitter these days. First of all, Tweeting is a good fit for athletes because it doesn't require an ability to spell correctly or employ grammar, neither of which most of our erstwhile student-athletes are reel gude at.

I'm going to say "ouch" for this guy.

Secondly, Tweeting is specifically meant for those who have signed up for the Twitter universe, so those of us who do not wish to be bombarded by aimless, misspelled chatter are a protected species.

Wow, Deford REALLY hates misspelling. I mean you only get like 140 characters to work with Frank, and there's no spell check.

Worse only than guaranteeing, though, is the absolute penchant that misbehaving athletes have for confessing and apologizing -- or at least making a stab at it.

Sound like the start of an unrelated tangent...

For like politicians and movie stars, our sporting role models tend to confess with their fingers crossed behind their backs.

There we are Frank, this is what you REALLY wanted to talk about. You certainly came up with a clever cloak to disguise it in.

The latest in a long line of kinda sorta confessing came, you will recall, compliments of a lugubrious Mark McGwire, who finally got around to saying he'd used performance enhancing drugs, only he couldn't remember what exactly they were, and, of course, he took them only for medicinal purposes and not at all to help him hit home runs. As insincere as McGwire's performance was, it could not live up to that given by Jason Giambi's of a few years ago, who held a long press conference in which he apologized profusely, but never said what he was apologizing for. That remains the gold standard, steroid division.


See you start with Super Bowl guarantees and you end with steroid confessions. That's why you're the pro Frank and I'm just some schlub working in a Bronson, MI courthouse.

Finally, if I may say one good word about Tiger Woods it is that he had the decency to get lost. I would only hope that when he reappears he stands up before the assembled press and says only, "Ladies and gentlemen, I tee off at noon tomorrow, and I'll be happy to discuss my round afterwards." We don't need to hear anything else. But, you watch, his handlers will make him apologize and confess.

Mostly I'm leaving that in so I can add a Tiger Woods tag and double the hits on my blog to two.

I guarantee it.

Me too Frank, me too.

Case Closed!

Here's the Oz-a-roo

In 1996 there was a movie called Chain Reaction. It stared Keanu Reeves as an undergraduate at the University of Chicago who works as a technician for a scientific experiment. Keanu Reeves as a scientist? Ah, the magic of Hollywood. Well move over Charlie Kaufman, Rick Morrissey is taking the human imagination where it dare not go in a movie called:

Thome's popularity complicating Ozzie's plans

Alright not the catchiest title, but still, don't judge a book by it's cover. Let's look at the synopsis:

Ozzie Guillen has always wanted to play the mad scientist with his lineup card, to pour the smoking contents of one beaker into the bubbling mixture of another.

I'm going to spruce this movie pitch up for Rick since it's just a treatment. A Refugee from a far away planet; Ozzie Guillen struggles to balance the tasks of everyday baseball managing and being a Nobel Prize winning scientist. But even with all his scientific knowhow, he can't find a mixture to cure the one thing that ails him...his heart. Co-staring Jim Thome as his homerun-hitting robot sidekick.

OK, Ozzie, it's your chemistry set. Go have fun with it.

I would like to say, in all seriousness that giving Ozzie Guillen a chemistry set does not seem like a good idea. Though to be fair I have never met the man.

Guillen likes Thome, as do the slugger's former Sox teammates. He's as genuine, nice and polite as a person can be, which is a more difficult trifecta for a pro baseball player than the Triple Crown.

I'm going to take a stand and say that being a pro baseball player who is genuine, nice and polite is not harder than the triple crown. Off the top of my head: Derrek Lee; Mark Buehrle; Pujols; Figgins; Dunn; anybody not on the 'Nasty Boys' era Phillies. My point is the media seems to fall into this 'all players are self-absorbed jerks' trap that they themselves create by constantly reporting on players like T.O. or Bradley or A-Rod.

But one thing is even clearer: Guillen wants to run the team his way, which this season involves small ball and a designated hitter-by-committee.

That sounds like an absolutely terrific idea...in 1981.

''Whoever wants to come to the White Sox as long as I'm here, he's not going to be a full-time DH,'' Guillen said. ''Nobody. I don't care who it is.''

Somehow I believe certain exceptions (Pujols/Teixeira/A-rod) would be made. But the general idea is good, to use a flexible position to set up the best match ups batter vs. pitcher.

It's hard to move the pieces around like a chess genius when one of the pieces is 39 and weighs 250 pounds. That would be Thome, who can bash with the best of them but would be a wrench in Ozzie's small-ball plans.

So now Ozzie Guillen is a chemist and a chess genius. Rick, chess genius is a totally different movie from brilliant chemist. Let's save that for the sequel. And yes, a guy hitting a bunch of home runs would totally wreck Ozzie's plans of not scoring any runs ever.

''You know what I'd like to see?'' he told fans Sunday. ''I'd like to see a man on third base, less than two outs, run in. I don't like to see fireworks anymore.''

I know Guillen says things a lot of times just to say things, so he can't be serious here. He does NOT want to see fireworks? Are they too loud for him? Do the bright colors give him acid flashbacks?
Also, don't the White Sox shoot them off after they win a game, not just when a homerun is hit? I guess if you're going to abandon the homerun, they won't have to worry about fireworks in either capacity.

There are two potential downsides to having a rotating DH: a lack of production and vertigo.

Yes I know, you think I'm going to attack the vertigo joke. But no. A lack of production is the potential downside to just about any decision a manager makes, that goes without saying. The downside to NOT having a rotating DH is a lack of production.

On Sunday, a fan pleaded with Guillen to consider batting newcomer Juan Pierre ninth instead of first and perhaps putting Gordon Beckham in the leadoff spot.

This fan is an idiot. He should of pleaded with Guillen to ditch Pierre in the woods on a snipe hunt.

Well have fun watching player after player ground out weakly to 2nd White Sox fans. At least your pitching should be decent.

Case Closed!

Is Phil Roger's mind on the way out?

Phil Rogers of the Chicago Tribune wrote this article regarding the futures of two Chicago baseball stars. Paul Konerko and Derrek Lee have become faces of their respective franchises through...well Phil will go into all of that. What he will not get into the a solid reason why these two aging stars should be given million dollar contracts as they move past their primes. How about you "Phil(PUN!!!)" us in:

In many ways, Paul Konerko and Derrek Lee have been the glue holding together Chicago's two Major League Baseball teams for a combined 17 seasons.

You know, fans have this way of looking at players like Lee and Konerko as though the franchise would stop if they left. I'm afraid Phil has fallen into that trap here. All this paragraph shows is that they are both getting close to retirement and probably on the downsides of their careers. Personally I think it short changes both of them, they weren't just good personalities, they were both really great players.

They are consummate pros and reliable run producers...

Oh, OK he covered it, thanks for making me look like a jerk Phil.

Yet neither is signed beyond 2010, and there has not been a clamor from either fan base for the White Sox or Cubs to assure their continued presence. At 33 and 34 respectively, Konerko and Lee have moved beyond their actuarial peaks.

Looks like the fan base is being more sensible than you are Phil. They respect what these players have done, but realize you have to move towards the future at some point.

They pose difficult decisions and theoretically huge risks for general managers Ken Williams and Jim Hendry, who aren't likely to give them three- or four-year deals at another $12 million or $13 million per year.

Let's hope not, as you just pointed out, they have moved past their peaks.

But you don't let players like these just walk away, not when there's a reasonable chance of playing high-stakes games in September and October. The White Sox and Cubs would be smart to approach Konerko and Lee with contract extensions — one-year deals at existing levels for 2011, possibly with vesting options that could trigger a second year at the same level in '12.

Assuming they would take such offers, how much would they be for Phil? I mean it's really easy to say, "you should give a player a contract" without saying how much they're worth. Also, as you yourself point out later in the article:

The White Sox have first base options in the high minors in Dayan Viciedo and left-handed-hitting Christian Marrero, who is poised for a breakout year. They also believe third baseman Brent Morel could get to the big leagues sometime in 2011, freeing up recently acquired Mark Teahen for a move to first base.

That makes it seem like it's a good opportunity to thank Konerko and send him on his way. Not hand him an extension and hold back two young players who are ready to shine.

When Konerko reached free agency four years ago, Reinsdorf didn't seem inclined to give him five years but realized the value when Konerko's quiet leadership and power hitting played a huge role in an 11-1 postseason run to the World Series crown.

Well, Reinsdorf was on a World Series high at that point and handed out contracts like they were...well White Sox tickets. Also, I'm pretty sure his power hitting had much more to do with that contract than his "quiet leadership."

Wear and tear, especially a series of hand injuries, has taken a toll on the White Sox captain in recent years. But on a team that ranked 12th in the American League in scoring, Konerko drove in 88 runs last year.

I would like to point out that in another section of this column, one that has nothing to do with this section, Phil talks about win shares. So I would expect someone who references win shares to realize that the counting stat "runs" is pretty much meaningless in this day and age. Also, the mentioning of wear and tear is another reason why the White Sox SHOULDN'T give him an extension.

The Cubs don't have as much depth behind Lee after trading Jake Fox to the A's in a deal that seemed as much about dumping Aaron Miles as adding reliever Jeff Gray.

That is an actual good reason to keep Lee. Way to go, 2nd to last paragraph and you've finally made a good point.

But you better believe Hendry knows all about the free-agent possibilities at first base the next two seasons: Adam Dunn and Carlos Pena after next year; possibly Albert Pujols, Prince Fielder, Ryan Howard, Adrian Gonzalez and Lance Berkman after 2011.

That's a whole list of reasons to be saving you money and not spending it on players past their primes.

Konerko and Lee aren't likely to try to use their sterling reputations to pressure their teams into extensions. They aren't the game-playing types. But both enjoy Chicago and their standing in their organizations.

Great. They can come back and coach one day if they enjoy Chicago and their organizations so much.

Too many coaching articles Part II

Everyone is still obsessed with pro football coaches. When do pitchers and catchers report?