Here's the Oz-a-roo

In 1996 there was a movie called Chain Reaction. It stared Keanu Reeves as an undergraduate at the University of Chicago who works as a technician for a scientific experiment. Keanu Reeves as a scientist? Ah, the magic of Hollywood. Well move over Charlie Kaufman, Rick Morrissey is taking the human imagination where it dare not go in a movie called:

Thome's popularity complicating Ozzie's plans

Alright not the catchiest title, but still, don't judge a book by it's cover. Let's look at the synopsis:

Ozzie Guillen has always wanted to play the mad scientist with his lineup card, to pour the smoking contents of one beaker into the bubbling mixture of another.

I'm going to spruce this movie pitch up for Rick since it's just a treatment. A Refugee from a far away planet; Ozzie Guillen struggles to balance the tasks of everyday baseball managing and being a Nobel Prize winning scientist. But even with all his scientific knowhow, he can't find a mixture to cure the one thing that ails him...his heart. Co-staring Jim Thome as his homerun-hitting robot sidekick.

OK, Ozzie, it's your chemistry set. Go have fun with it.

I would like to say, in all seriousness that giving Ozzie Guillen a chemistry set does not seem like a good idea. Though to be fair I have never met the man.

Guillen likes Thome, as do the slugger's former Sox teammates. He's as genuine, nice and polite as a person can be, which is a more difficult trifecta for a pro baseball player than the Triple Crown.

I'm going to take a stand and say that being a pro baseball player who is genuine, nice and polite is not harder than the triple crown. Off the top of my head: Derrek Lee; Mark Buehrle; Pujols; Figgins; Dunn; anybody not on the 'Nasty Boys' era Phillies. My point is the media seems to fall into this 'all players are self-absorbed jerks' trap that they themselves create by constantly reporting on players like T.O. or Bradley or A-Rod.

But one thing is even clearer: Guillen wants to run the team his way, which this season involves small ball and a designated hitter-by-committee.

That sounds like an absolutely terrific idea...in 1981.

''Whoever wants to come to the White Sox as long as I'm here, he's not going to be a full-time DH,'' Guillen said. ''Nobody. I don't care who it is.''

Somehow I believe certain exceptions (Pujols/Teixeira/A-rod) would be made. But the general idea is good, to use a flexible position to set up the best match ups batter vs. pitcher.

It's hard to move the pieces around like a chess genius when one of the pieces is 39 and weighs 250 pounds. That would be Thome, who can bash with the best of them but would be a wrench in Ozzie's small-ball plans.

So now Ozzie Guillen is a chemist and a chess genius. Rick, chess genius is a totally different movie from brilliant chemist. Let's save that for the sequel. And yes, a guy hitting a bunch of home runs would totally wreck Ozzie's plans of not scoring any runs ever.

''You know what I'd like to see?'' he told fans Sunday. ''I'd like to see a man on third base, less than two outs, run in. I don't like to see fireworks anymore.''

I know Guillen says things a lot of times just to say things, so he can't be serious here. He does NOT want to see fireworks? Are they too loud for him? Do the bright colors give him acid flashbacks?
Also, don't the White Sox shoot them off after they win a game, not just when a homerun is hit? I guess if you're going to abandon the homerun, they won't have to worry about fireworks in either capacity.

There are two potential downsides to having a rotating DH: a lack of production and vertigo.

Yes I know, you think I'm going to attack the vertigo joke. But no. A lack of production is the potential downside to just about any decision a manager makes, that goes without saying. The downside to NOT having a rotating DH is a lack of production.

On Sunday, a fan pleaded with Guillen to consider batting newcomer Juan Pierre ninth instead of first and perhaps putting Gordon Beckham in the leadoff spot.

This fan is an idiot. He should of pleaded with Guillen to ditch Pierre in the woods on a snipe hunt.

Well have fun watching player after player ground out weakly to 2nd White Sox fans. At least your pitching should be decent.

Case Closed!